So, how does this site work?
Carefully. Very carefully. Any wrong moves and that damn mouse will slap your masturbating hand. You don't want that now does ya? So, from the beginning, select a design you like. From the next page, select style of shirt, the color you would like, and then a size that fits you. No fatties in small shirts, unless it pushes you boobs together. "Add to cart" will appear. From here, we encourage you continue shopping and buy more stuff. If you are ready to check out, “click add” to cart. A summary of your cart will appear. If you are done, click “check out”. You will be directed to a secure PayPal backed site to process your Visa and MasterCard or log in and pay from your PayPal account. Got it?
Do you take orders over the phone?
No. We're hi-tech in this dump. Heavy breathing over the phone while paying to talk to some plumper sounding sexy; low-tech. Naked Fat Patty's getting belly-button-humped in HD on the flatscreen over a high-speed stream; high-tech. Only the best.
When will I get my shirt(s)?
From 10-15 business days. All of the shirts from our site are printed on an "on-demand" basis. This means we don't keep these pre-printed. Shirts, for now, are printed only on weekends. This site don't pay for the beer, hookers, and porn habit we have, so we have to keep our day jobs. Shirts ordered Monday-Thursday will be printed the following Saturday or Sunday or in about 5 days from order. Shirts ordered Thursday-Sunday, they will be printed the Saturday or Sunday or the next week or roughly 7 days. Shirts will then be quality tested by the crack-head in the back of the trailer (never mind the burn marks) and immediatedly shipped out by UPS or USPS. If you've had bad experiences with these two, our CEO will personally shove your shirt in the back of his pants and drive it to you for a personal delivery. Just remember, the further away you live, the more laundery detergent you might want to buy to get the stank out.
What size fits me?
We usually find the shirt that's tight on us, and drop down a size, rip the neck and cut off the sleeves to show the 3 G's; guns, gut, and grizzlyness. Shirts will be printed on either Hanes, Anvil, or American Apparel. Size charts will appear later.
Will you pay me for my funny idea?
Right now, no. We're the funny sum-bitches behind the site. Besides, we'd have to get the hounds in the back fence to do it so we can sell the puppies for the cash to pay you. That ain't gonna go good since the muts are both female.
Do you offer refunds if I am unsatisfied?
Sure. Any shirts uncorrupted, unfunked, and unwashed can be sent back to our 6'x6' out-house in the back of our lot and you will receive a refund minus the shipping fee. If you spent as much time on the crapper as we do, you'd want a mailbox on your outhouse, too. email returns@sheepholetees.com.
